🪓 “Escape from ICEland: A Modest Proposal for Violent Criminals Without a Country”

Let me be clear: I’m not interested in deporting every undocumented immigrant. I don’t want to chase down farmworkers, nannies, or the guy who fixed my radiator. I’m talking about violent, convicted criminals—the ones who stab, rape, traffic children, and somehow stick around because we can’t figure out how to send them home.

And so, in our bureaucratic brilliance, we let them roam free after 180 days because “Vietnam won’t take them,” or “Haiti sent the call to voicemail.”

America, proud land of “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service,” now finds itself playing reluctant Airbnb host to war criminals and repeat offenders because there’s nowhere else to send them. We can’t keep them locked up (*pesky Constitution*), and we can’t exactly Uber them to Rwanda. What’s a law-and-order democracy to do?

You see, back in the good old days of powdered wigs and dysentery, England didn’t wring its hands over criminal transport. They packed up their debtors, scoundrels, and murderers, and shipped them to America—then later, Australia, where they now serve amazing coffee and run surf schools.

We, on the other hand, spend billions housing violent offenders in our jails until ICE can throw a dart at a globe and hope South Sudan answers the phone.

Inspired by Jonathan Swift’s timeless gift for elegant cruelty, I offer a new solution to an old problem: deportation without a destination.

Let’s create our own modern penal colony. I propose we call it “ICEland.”

No, not *Iceland*, the whimsical Nordic paradise with universal healthcare and elf consultants. I mean a dedicated offshore containment zone. A sort of libertarian *Hunger Games* meets *Ellis Island* — just with more machetes and fewer background checks.

🏝️ Welcome to ICEland™

A secure, self-sustaining island somewhere between Escape from New York and Gilligan’s Island—but with fewer coconut radios and more landmines.

We’ll send only the worst of the worst:

• People who’ve committed violent felonies

• Are undocumented

• And whose countries won’t take them back because “oh, he’s not really ours…”

Fine. Then they’re ICEland’s problem.

Let them grow their own food, build their own fences, and reenact Survivor: Sociopath Edition. We’ll livestream it and use the ad revenue to pay down the deficit. Frankly, I’d rather fund cameras on their island than ankle monitors on mine.

🎭 But In All Seriousness…

It’s true: Our immigration enforcement system disproportionately targets Black, Brown, and Asian immigrants, while white undocumented people from Europe, Canada, and Australia fly under the radar—sometimes quite literally.

And when it comes to who’s really behind human trafficking, white slavery, and child pornography, the data points in uncomfortable directions:
Often not the border crossers, but wealthy, white, tech-savvy consumers in the U.S. and Europe.

So maybe the problem isn’t just who’s here.
Maybe it’s who we choose to see.

🧩 Here's What Actually Might Work:

• Fast-track deportation for violent undocumented criminals—with due process, not endless appeals

• Repatriation treaties that actually work—perhaps sweetened with visa perks or spiced up with a few well-placed tariffs, Trump-style.

• Equal enforcement for white visa overstayers and international traffickers—not just the brown guy climbing a fence

• And yes, a legal third-country detention alternative for cases where removal isn’t possible (we can call it ICEland or something boring like Non-Cooperative Custodial Protocol if that helps the senators sleep at night)

🚪 Exit Through the Satire Shop

You can call this unorthodox. You can call it harsh. But right now, we’re spending billions to detain, monitor, and eventually release violent offenders into U.S. neighborhoods because their governments ghosted us.

I say we ghost them back.

Let’s build ICEland.
Or fix the system like adults.
Your move, Congress.