By Kimberly Twain
We’re the hottest country in the world! 🔥 Not just in temperature — though our summers now come with a side of asphalt fondue — but in political climate. And who’s running the thermostat? That’s right: His Majesty, the CEO of America, Donald J. Trump 🤴.
Yes, yes, it’s “President,” not “King.” But you’d be forgiven for the confusion when the man issues 159 executive orders before breakfast . I’ve started calling them “Royal Decrees” 📜 because “Executive Order” makes it sound like he’s just signing purchase orders for printer toner.
We, the People… or at Least, We, the Trump
Have you noticed he talks like Queen Elizabeth? 👑 “We did this, we did that.” It’s the royal we, as if the rest of us were in the room when he decided to move the census up three months or christen the Space Force 🚀 with a logo that looks like he binge-watched Star Trek 🖖. I half expect him to start waving from a balcony 🏰 in a gilded bathrobe, tea cup in hand.
On one hand, I like it — efficiency is appealing ⚡. On the other, it’s like watching someone remodel your house while you’re still living in it. Sure, the new granite countertops are nice, but why is there a moat around the garage and a trebuchet 🏹 in the driveway?
The Benevolent Dictator Starter Kit
There’s this romantic notion of a “benevolent dictator” ❤️👑. But history reminds us the “benevolent” part tends to evaporate faster than interest rates in a recession. People once thought Hitler was doing a great job — right up until Germany was reduced to smoking rubble in 1945. That only took twelve years. By that math, if we’re on the same train 🚆, our “Berlin 1945” might arrive in 2033. All aboard the high-speed MAGA Express 🚄.
Berlin, Meet Washington, D.C.
Trump’s latest plot twist 🎭? Militarizing the National Guard in a city with falling crime rates. First L.A. 🌴, now D.C. 🏛️. In both cases, local leaders were about as enthusiastic as a cat in a bathtub. The LAPD chief flatly said they didn’t ask for the Guard. But Trump claims it was all necessary — for the Olympics 🏅, no less. Which, minor detail, had already been awarded to L.A. back in 2017. But never mind: when you’re the King, you also get to be the Time Traveler-in-Chief ⏳.
His Majesty vs. Social Security
Now let’s talk numbers — or rather, the magical arithmetic ✨ of the Trump era.
The 300 Million Mirage
Trump’s team says Social Security “serves” 300 million people. Considering there are about 335 million of us in the U.S., this implies toddlers 👶, houseplants 🪴, and your neighbor’s golden retriever 🐕 are all cashing checks. The truth? Fewer than 75 million people actually receive benefits. The rest of us are “served” because we pay into the system now in the hope of withdrawing later—even as trustees warn the main trust fund could be depleted around 2035. It’s like owning a cookbook 📚 while budgeting for a future kitchen that may or may not have any groceries 🍽️.
The 275,000 “Illegal Aliens” Purge
Trump bragged about removing 275,000 people from Social Security rolls. The SSA clarified: these were mostly record updates 📂, and they never confirmed how many were actually getting benefits. Translation: we cleaned up the guest list 📝, but most of those “uninvited” weren’t at the party.
12.4 Million Centenarians… Sort Of
He also claimed to have purged 12.4 million people over 120 years old from the system. The implication: your great-great-great-grandma 👵 was cashing checks from beyond the grave ⚰️. Reality check: it was a database cleanup, not a zombie welfare scandal 🧟♂️.
Tariffs: The King’s Treasure Chest 💰
Trump’s favorite shiny object right now is tariffs. July 2025 brought in a record $29 billion in a single month 💵, and projections stretch into the trillions over a decade. Sounds great — until you realize those trillions are spread over ten years and come with a side of higher prices 🛒 and slower economic growth 🐌.
It’s like finding $100 in your couch cushions 🛋️… only to realize it’s because you raised your own rent 🏠⬆️.
The Olympics and the World Cup: Trump’s New Real Estate
Trump now claims personal credit 🏆 for the 2028 Olympics 🏅 and the 2026 FIFA World Cup ⚽. Fact check: the bids were won before his second term. What he did do was set up a federal task forcento help with logistics — which is sort of like claiming you “won” a wedding because you booked the caterer 🍽️.
Proclamations, Censuses, and the Elastic Truth
And then there’s the census move-up — because why wait to count your subjects? Combined with his habit of tossing out numbers he doesn’t like (“change them or throw them away” 🗑️), it’s starting to feel like the Bureau of Statistics is just a subsidiary of Trump, Inc. 🏢.
Where Will It End?
We don’t know 🤷. Maybe with a moat around the Capitol 🏛️🌊. Maybe with an official “Trump Standard Time” that moves the clocks forward to match his approval ratings. Or maybe we wake up one day and discover our executive branch has been rebranded as “The Kingdom of America — Est. 1776, Refurbished 2025” 🏰.
Until then, enjoy the ride 🎢, folks. And keep your passports handy 🛂. You know… just in case.