Trump turns water into wine in six months, and I’ve got a bridge to sell you. Some say Jesus did it, some say he didn’t. You be the judge. Will the miracles never cease? Here are this week’s “miracles,” straight from Times Now.
✈️ Miracle #1: Deportations = Billions in Savings
Claim: “Every illegal alien that has gone home was costing us $8,700 to $9,000 a piece. They were taking it out of our social programs, social security. We’ve saved this country billions of dollars, $15 billion dollars, in social programs.”
Reality Check:
Math by miracle. Undocumented immigrants pay into Social Security and Medicare but are barred from collecting benefits. Translation: they subsidize the programs, not drain them. That $15 billion “savings” is like bragging you found treasure after robbing your own piggy bank.
If this is true, can we deport Elon Musk and save trillions?
🚧 Miracle #2: Zero at the Border
Claim: “Millions and millions of people were coming in at the border. Now for 3 months we have had zero.”
Reality Check:
Zero? None? Not one? Did we brick up the Rio Grande and build a wall around the Pacific Ocean? Or maybe it’s new border math: Canada and the Atlantic don’t count. The only borders that matter, apparently, are brown and Black.
Moses parted the Red Sea; Trump closed the entire U.S. border. Somebody call the Book of Exodus’ PR department.
🔥 Miracle #3: Natural Gas Nirvana
Claim: “Natural gas is powering everything. The U.S. produces two times more natural gas than the second largest producer in the world… We’ve opened up American Opportunity and energy.”
Reality Check:
Yes, the U.S. leads in natural gas production — but credit goes to decades of fracking expansion, not a single administration. Natural gas isn’t manna from heaven; it’s methane from shale. And while production booms, so do methane leaks, which heat the planet faster than a Florida summer.
Truly a miracle: turn water into wine, turn the atmosphere into a Crock-Pot.
🏭 Miracle #4: Factories for the Working Class
Claim: “We’re building a bunch of new factories for the working class.”
Reality Check:
Which factories, exactly? Beyond ribbon-cuttings and shovel-ready photo ops, most U.S. “factory booms” are announcements, not operating assembly lines. Announcing factories is like announcing weight loss after buying gym clothes.
If factories sprouted every time a politician promised one, America would be one giant IKEA.
👷 Miracle #5: Two Million Jobs for Native-Born Americans
Claim: “More than 2 million net jobs for native-born Americans. 84% of workforce jobs have been produced by the private sector.”
Reality Check:
This miracle conveniently ignores the inconvenient truth: job growth has been steady across administrations, driven by tech, healthcare, and post-pandemic recovery. Counting private-sector jobs as “Trump-created” is like crediting the weatherman for sunshine.
By this math, I created 10,000 jobs last week just by drinking coffee and believing in America.
💊 Miracle #6: Who’s Moving the Drugs?
Claim:
“Who’s moving the drugs? Where does fentanyl come from? It’s China sending the chemicals, and Mexico moving it across the border.”
Reality Check:
That’s partly accurate — China supplies the precursors, and Mexico’s cartels handle manufacturing and smuggling. But delivered as a casual guess, it sounds less like presidential intelligence and more like trivia night at Applebee’s.
Jesus turned water into wine; Trump turned a DEA fact sheet into a barstool hunch.
🪄 Miracle #7: Jobs Going Back to Citizens
Claim: “Job growth had gone to the foreign born. Now net job growth is going to American citizens who deserve opportunities in their own country.”
Reality Check:
Labor economists call this cherry-picking. Job growth fluctuates between native-born and immigrant workers depending on industry and season. Crops don’t harvest themselves, nor do tech companies run without immigrant engineers.
A miracle worthy of Las Vegas: vanish the immigrants, then reappear their jobs like rabbits in a hat.
💰 Miracle #8: Tariff Treasure Chest
Claim: “We inherited the largest peacetime deficit… We’re collecting hundreds of billions of dollars, trillions over 10 years in tariffs from countries and companies that were formerly taking advantage of us.”
Reality Check:
Tariffs are taxes — not on foreign countries, but on U.S. consumers and importers. That “trillions over 10 years” is you paying more for washing machines, steel, and eggs.
Turning tariffs into treasure is like calling a mugging a donation.
📈 Miracle #9: Economic Resurrection
Claim: “Economic security is national security. Trump’s brought us back from the brink. Restoring trust in government. Blue collar boom. Inflation has plummeted. Capex increased by 14%.”
Reality Check:
Capex = capital expenditures. Translation: businesses investing in equipment and infrastructure. It rises and falls with interest rates and market conditions. Inflation hasn’t plummeted — groceries, gas, and housing all remain high.
Lazarus rose from the dead. Under Trump, so did inflation charts — but only after he buried them in the fine print.
🌊 Miracle #10: The Factory Flood
Claim: “Factories are booming. Domestic auto production is gonna be booming. Auto plants are pouring into the United States. Factories are booming in terms of construction.”
Reality Check:
Repetition is not reality. Auto production is cyclical, and “Made in America” often includes parts stamped in Monterrey or Ontario.
If factories were really pouring in, FEMA would be handing out sandbags.
🥚⛽ Miracle #11: Groceries and Gas, Hallelujah!
Claim: “There’s no inflation. Groceries are down, energy is down, eggs are way down.”
Reality Check:
Eggs dipped after the avian flu crisis ended — but tell that to anyone shopping at Safeway. Gas prices are volatile; groceries remain stubbornly high.
The miracle isn’t cheaper eggs. It’s getting Americans to believe they’re cheaper while the checkout screen still screams $98.43.
🌬️🐦 Miracle #12: The Windmill Apocalypse
Claim: “Windmills are ruining the country. They’re killing birds, horrible for the environment, and ugly. Fossil fuel is the thing that works. We should add nuclear.”
Reality Check:
Wind turbines do kill birds — but far fewer than cars, cats, or office windows. Fossil fuels “work” until they cook the planet.
Jesus fed 5,000 with loaves and fishes. Trump starves them with fossil fuels and then blames the windmills.
🔩 Miracle #13: Steel Rising From the Dead
Claim: “Steel production is up. We made a deal with U.S. Steel. $17 billion to build new steel plants.”
Reality Check:
Global steel demand is driven by China and India, not Mar-a-Lago. Investment pledges don’t equal completed plants.
The miracle here isn’t steel plants — it’s turning rust into rhetoric.
✨💵 Miracle #14: Tax Cut Transfiguration
Claim:
“The big beautiful bill was a huge tax cut for the middle class. The largest tax reform in the history of America. Every American is seeing a tax cut of $1,000 per year.”
Reality Check:
The last time we heard this tune — the 2017 Tax Cuts and Jobs Act — corporations and the wealthy took home the lion’s share, while the middle class saw modest scraps, often eaten up by inflation and lost deductions.
The new Big Beautiful Bill of 2025 does include goodies for working families — deductions on tips and overtime, a bigger child tax credit, and higher SALT caps. But independent analyses show the top 20% of households capture 72% of the benefits. Middle-class households might see around an $815 cut, while millionaires rake in $44,000 or more. Add in cuts to Medicaid and SNAP, and many low-income families could lose more in safety nets than they gain at the register.
In other words: yes, some middle-class relief — but the real miracle is how reliably the rich end up richer.
A miracle of multiplication: one corporate yacht becomes a thousand middle-class crumbs.
🚔 Miracle #15: Crime and Punishment in D.C.
Claim: “Crime in D.C. was the worst ever. They took over 1,000 arrests and it completely changed crime in D.C.”
Reality Check:
One thousand arrests in a city of 700,000 is not a biblical flood; it’s a month on the police blotter.
Jesus raised Lazarus; Trump arrested him twice and called it a crime solution.
🎓 Miracle #16: Education Ascension
Claim:
“Education is better now. Look at Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Finland — they have the highest-rated systems in the world. We’re bringing education back to the states. University presidents want to sit down with me. There’s even an investigative program going on at Harvard.”
Reality Check:
Invoking Scandinavian schools while gutting U.S. education funding is like quoting Shakespeare while burning the library.
The miracle isn’t better schools — it’s learning geography by saying “Norway” out loud and hoping it rubs off.
🧩 Miracle #17: Autism Explosion
Claim: “What’s up with autism. 1 in 12 boys from 1 in 10,000 in 1979?”
Reality Check:
Rates of autism diagnoses have risen thanks to better screening, awareness, and broader definitions — not divine punishment or mysterious chemicals.
Trump didn’t cure autism. He diagnosed the nation with gullibility.
🗑️ Miracle #18: Deregulation = Salvation
Claim: “Trump administration wants to protect the environment and grow the economy. We’ve rescinded Obama environmental protection and are doing more deregulation.”
Reality Check:
You don’t protect the environment by gutting protections. Deregulation helps polluters, not lungs.
Moses received the Ten Commandments; Trump shredded the Clean Power Plan.
📜 Miracle #19: Permit Promised Land
Claim:
“Federal permits for rebuilding in LA are all done. They’re just waiting on Mayor Bass and Governor Newsom.”
Reality Check:
Not quite. Federal permits—especially for complex projects—typically take years, not days, to clear. In the LA wildfire rebuild, it’s state and local authorities (like Gov. Newsom and Mayor Bass) who’ve been slashing red tape: suspending environmental reviews and fast-tracking approvals. Still, that hasn’t made the process instant—homeowners might see a permit in 55 days, not five minutes.
Bureaucracy parts like the Red Sea—if only saying “let my rebuild pass” made it so.
🐟💧 Miracle #20: Water for the Fishes
Claim:
“LA had no water for the fire. They’re sending hundreds of millions of gallons from the Pacific to the fishes.”
Reality Check:
That’s not how it works. Fisheries management doesn’t “steal” water from firefighters. California’s drought is real, but the idea that billions of gallons are siphoned off for fish is scapegoating environmental protections. Fire suppression water comes from reservoirs and local sources—not pipes to the ocean.
Jesus multiplied loaves and fishes. Trump multiplied scapegoats and called it policy.
🏆 Miracle #21: The Greatest Economy Ever (Again)
Claim: “We had the greatest economy in the history of our country. We had Operation Warp Speed…the greatest achievements in politics. Nobody can believe it.”
Reality Check:
Every president claims to have “the greatest economy.” Warp Speed was a bipartisan, public-private rush job for vaccines — credit goes far beyond one man.
Jesus healed the sick. Trump branded the syringe.
✝️ Closing Benediction
Miracles used to be loaves and fishes, walking on water, healing the blind. Now they’re tariffs rebranded as tax refunds, border patrol statistics smuggled in as scripture, and deregulation disguised as resurrection.
Thank You Jesus… I Mean Mr. President.
Because when the gospel of governance turns into the gospel of grift, the only miracle left is how many people keep believing.